January 2013
4 posts
5 tags
Snow Goons
Tonight’s job: Got hired to deal with some magically-animated snow men. Y’know, like the kind from Calvin and Hobbes. Some punk kid got ahold of a magical rock of some kind that brought the snowmen to life. Normally, animated crap like this can be annoying since it can add onto itself to get bigger and meaner. Thankfully, that doesn’t apply to evil snowmen. Yes, they can use snow...
5 tags
You've Gotta Be Kidding Me
The name of the ship that this creep came over on? It’s called The Bloody Mary. Jesus Christ. Yeah, was kinda easy.
As the sun set, I made my way to the docks and set up a little sniper perch on a crane with a birds eye view of the boat. When night came, I figured it’d be easy to blow the creep’s head off, get down there, and shove a grenade down his carcass to make sure he...
3 tags
Henrich Provides
So I’m dealing with what is essentially a meaner version of the basic vampire. That means I’m gonna need some fire power! Leave it to Henrich to provide!
The gun of the day? A sniper rifle with bullets capable of shredding a normal vamp to ribbons! Just what the doctor ordered! That just leaves the hard question of how I find the bloodsucker. Wait, he’s European! That means he...
3 tags
And The Research Shows...
The creep in question is a special kinda European vampire. Well shit. Apparently European vamps draw linage from Dracula himself! That means they’re harder to kill than your normal, garden-variety blood-sucking freaks. I’m gonna need some bigger guns
October 2012
2 posts
4 tags
The Hunt Did Not Go Well
So the Don left out a few details about this rogue vampire when he hired me. First off, the guy can turn into a wolf-monster. Second, he can breath fire. And third, he knows Goddamn magic!
So I follow a lead to an abandoned fast food joint and climb in through the drive-thru window with my guns at the ready. Damn Vamp heard me coming, though, and dropped down on me from above. He hit like a truck...
9 tags
Where I've Been
Work’s been slow in the mercenary game, folks. As such, I had to find something to do to bring in some spare spending cash. So yeah, I’ve been in the wild world of… retail. I hate my life sometimes.
Anyways, I actually got hired tonight! Sweet, actual work! So tonight, I get to spend my evening doing a job for the local Vampire family and hunting a renegade Vamp. Fun. I’ll...
August 2012
4 posts
3 tags
Defensive Driving
Today’s job: deliver a car with a mysterious cargo in the trunk that I wasn’t supposed to look at. So of course I peeked. If you do this job enough, you learn that knowing what you’re dropping off can be the difference between life and death. And it’s a good thing I checked, too! The cargo was… drum roll please… a suit of BUNKER field armor. I have no idea where...
9 tags
Gargoyles Go Boom
The Secret World: That magical little world existing just below the surface of the world of man and usually unnoticed by mankind. Also my paycheck, considering how I’m a mercenary who specializes in the weird jobs. Take today’s round of crap, for instance. I got hired by a gnome to avenge the death of his brother, who was eaten by a gargoyle. Easy job, just not the kind you usually...
15 tags
Reviewing Knock Out, Breakdown, and The Large...
While I was out of town, I managed to find the Transformers Prime Energon Driller set with Cyberverse Knock Out. I was happy to rejoice, because I had gotten Cyberverse Breakdown a while ago and needed a Cyberverse Knock Out to partner him with! And the Energon Driller. That’s cool too.
So when I got home, I had to compare Knock Out and Breakdown. Good lord, Breakdown is tiny in...
2 tags
Back in Town!
I’m back and took a few days to kick back and relax before getting back into the swing of things! So to reward you people for your patience with me, tonight is a Transformers review!
July 2012
11 posts
1 tag
Out Of Town AGAIN. UGH
Ok, I’m going out of town tomorrow. Same deal as last time, I’ll post if I can but make no promises. See ya later.
5 tags
Timeline Continued
1965: America. Rumors of a creature made entirely of pot spread through a small town in California. Teens report being questioned by a “Mr. Cat.” Pot Creature sightings stopped afterwards.
1976: Mexico. Fire burns down a deserted town. Authorities investigating report sighting a masked American who introduced himself as “Mr. Cat” and escaped via a small plane.
1986:...
4 tags
456 Again
Um, hello there. Some of you might not remember me, so I’ll just reintroduce myself, if that’s ok with all of you. I’m 456, one of the elves living in Mr. Cat’s apartment. Since he’s been just relaxing for a while, I thought I should write something here, if you don’t mind.
I looked up information on Mr. Cat (I hope he doesn’t mind too much) and found...
6 tags
The Dragon Crap In NY
Ok, so here’s what happened while I was in NYC. I got hired by a few gnomes to come to town and deal with a little dragon problem. A small one had gotten loose in the sewers the gnomes live in and had commenced eating them. Apparently, gnomes are like pringles. Dragons can’t just stop at one.
So I had to stalk through the New York City sewers, which reeked of filth and shame, to find...
4 tags
What. The. Hell.
Ok, seriously. What the Hell. I’ve been out of town for a little bit, I come back, and BUNKER’s screwed up my Tumblr for the whole thing with the witch and the zombie! What the hell, man?
Ok, as to where I’ve been: New York. I kinda had to run up there for this whole mess involving a dragon that I will be more than happy to tell you about in the morning. For now, though,...
7 tags
Y'know What's Always Helpful? Giant Robots
Giant robots are always helpful! There is not one problem they are not the best solution for! I mean, think about it! Traffic is terrible and you’re running late for work. Now normally, you’d get in your little car and drive there, getting stuck in traffic. Now imagine getting into a giant robot! SCREW TRAFFIC! CRUSH THE TINY CARS! CRUSH THEM ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Boss being a...
8 tags
Why The Hell Must Everything Be So Complicated!?
Ok, so that gnome who was supposed to get Zack and Zoe out of the city on the weekend had to wait a while because of some BUNKER heat. When we finally met up, he explained how he knew a secret tunnel that could help them get to safety and handed over a map. Then he proceeded to haul ass, stating that he “wasn’t gonna take his chances messing with BUNKER.” This left little old me...
3 tags
Why The Hell Are They Still Here!?
Living with elves, I can stand. Living under the constant threat of attack is just part of life. Living with a goddamn couple who keep having loud sex? That’s where I draw the damn line! Tonight is when I finally get Zoe and Zack out of my apartment, and not a moment too soon! Nobody can have that much sex! I think they’re faking half those noises because they know how much it’s...
June 2012
9 posts
4 tags
Temporary Living Situation
Who here remembers Zoe and her zombie boyfriend Zack? Yeah, they’re staying with me for a few days now. They were the people wanting to hire me. Turns out BUNKER noticed a dead man walking, and have decided to arrest them. How is this my problem? Because Zoe made it clear they would rat me out for my part in Zack’s illegal resurrection unless I helped them get out of town, and...
3 tags
I'm Back, Baby!
Oh yeah, the Cat is Back! I was just on a vacation for a week, nothing too exciting. Anyways, now I’m back, and there was a very nice job just waiting for me! Tonight, I’m supposed to meet up with some mysterious employer for a minor job. Hmm, seems legit. This can only end well for me.
4 tags
Out Of Town
Ok, I’m not gonna be able to update for about a week. Going out of town. I’ll be back towards the middle or end of next week. See you then.
Something just occured to me. Why the hell didn’t I just ask the elves to get rid of the stench clinging to my jacket? I would have been able to avoid the whole goddamn island in the first place! Then my arm wouldn’t have turned purple...
7 tags
The Final Part Of The Island From Hell
I became even more convinced I had set off a security system as I walked through the forest. Robotic bugs were everywhere, flying about in various patrol formations that mad it so I had to duck down and hide. Making the trip easier, though, was that they seemed to be killing anything and everything they came across. I saw a few tentacle monsters being ripped apart by the bugs, and some sort of...
12 tags
The Island From Hell Part 4
The hut was a small one, with a bed in the corner, a table, some chairs, and a washing machine. It looked like nobody had lived in this dump for ages, which meant that nobody would object if I used their washer. Before anyone objects, yes I know you don’t use washing machines to clean leather jackets. But I was kind of desperate and pissed off at this point.
After a long, dull time spent...
4 tags
The Island From Hell Part 3
Oh Christ, where was I? Oh yeah, I had killed the damned tentacle monster.
Well anyways, I was making my way through the trees for about 10 uneventful minutes. That’s about when shit got weird. The ground opened up to eat me, weird music started playing, and I could hear the voice of my father telling me to lie down and die. My father’s dead. Hearing his voice was like a punch to my...
8 tags
The Island From Hell Part 2
There were about five of them, all looking like a mismatch of parts. It looked like a damn miracle they could even work! When a bunch of guns popped out of them, though, I realized they weren’t joking around. When one exploded from its own weapon breaking, I realized I didn’t particularly care how “threatening” they were supposed to be. I pulled out my trusty guns and...
6 tags
The Island From Hell Part 1
I’m in the plane with the Don’s pilot, who’s a damn fine pilot, and I ask when we’re landing. I should have know this would be an unpleasant trip when he started laughing his ass off. Then he gave me a parachute and shoved me out of the plane.
While the parachute helped me survive, it didn’t help me not land in the goddamn water, which happened to have some sort of...
4 tags
I'm Home
I just got back from that damn island. Oh sweet Jesus was that a disaster. If I didn’t need to find the Don to get the antidote to some sort of snake venom, I’d stick around to tell you guys about it. I’ll do that tomorrow. Oh shit! My arm’s purple now!? What the hell was that snake!?
I wrote that at noon and forgot to post it. My bad!
May 2012
12 posts
8 tags
Totally Awkward
Few things are more uncomfortable than talking to the man whose son you killed, especially if he can kill you in the time it takes you to sneeze. Something that makes it worse, though, is if he invites you to dinner.
So there I am, sitting across the table from a vampire crime kingpin and eating steak with a side of fine wine. The room’s dead silent and the various vampire bodyguards...
9 tags
The One Way To Clean A Nice Jacket
I really didn’t want to have to do this, but I liked my jacket too much to throw out and still couldn’t get it cleaned. So I went to Henrich and asked him if he could do anything about it. Surprise surpise, he not only said he knew what to do, but he charged out the ass for the information.
If I want my jacket fixed, I have to fly to a volcanic island in the Pacific Ocean that...
6 tags
I Really Hate Doing Laundry
It’s been Christ only knows how long, and my jacket still smells like Bug Man guts! Goddammit! It turns out all the anti-magic defenses and protection I’ve given it over the years makes it a lot harder to clean. So now I’m running around in whatever I can find that doesn’t smell like crap! I wish that the bug man was still alive so I could FREAKING KILL HIM AGAIN!
5 tags
Mother's Day
Oh Christ, was Mother’s Day a pain in my ass. So you remember how I was asked to work with BUNKER Agents 388 and 883? Well someone needs to remind me to be a lot more selective about who the hell I take jobs from, from now on!
Ok, so for Mother’s Day, I go to the cemetery every year to leave flowers. That’s where the agents picked me up to do our job. So as we were riding to...
7 tags
My Bad
I just realized that when I was telling you guys the business with the shape shifter and all that, I forgot to tell you where my memory went and how I got shot. Yeah, funny story about that. When I got home from a different case, it turned out I had accidentally left the safety off on my gun. I tripped, it went off, and I accidentally shot myself. That was really damn humiliating, so I made a...
5 tags
The Raid
After throwing some shit together, I made my way to the Rich Bastard’s mansion. It wasn’t easy getting in, but with a little aid from my good friend “Old Fashioned Breaking And Entering,” I pulled it off.
The Rich Bastard’s place was filled with all sorts of nice, breakable things. And there I was with two guns and a shit load of anger issues to work out. I smashed...
5 tags
The Usual Suspects
The thing about shape shifters is that they’re illegal. BUNKER naturally employes a few in “secret,” but the magic to do it is illegal for the most part. Because of this, he creeps who use it tend to run a high price for their services. And therefore, only the wealthy can afford to hire them. Gee, do I know anyone rich enough to employ the services of a shapeshifter with a desire...
flitterflutterby asked: It's okay. I understand how things can get unexpectedly busy without notice. Just glad that you have not abandoned those who enjoy reading of your adventures. :)
flitterflutterby asked: Yay! You're back! :D Thank you!!!
3 tags
Safehouse
So what do you do when you find out that a secret agency is going to try to arrest you because your lookalike killed a bunch of people? Answer: You move to a safehouse! The elves and I got the hell out of my apartment and made tracks for a hidden safehouse Dad put together years ago. No, I’m not gonna tell you where it is. Why the hell would I tell you people that? Kind of defeats the point...
6 tags
The Theatre
Sorry it took so long to publish what happened. Now that I’m done with classes, expect more frequent updates!
Anyways, I had woken up in my apartment with a gunshot wound and no memory of how it had happened, and had gone off to find out what had happened. I keep notes of jobs I’m on, so I figured I could search through those to see if I could find any ideas. All I found was a note...
flitterflutterby asked: You said tomorrow, but it's been a week. What's up? Are you all right?
April 2012
6 posts
2 tags
Computer Issues
Ok, so my computer’s charge cable broke and the machine has spent the last several days on the brink of death, with what little power I could get being used for classes. But now, I’m back! So tomorrow I can tell you all what happened as I went hunting for whoever shot me.
4 tags
Owowowowowowowowowowow
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ok, so I woke up this morning sprawled on my couch with a gunshot wound in my side. Weird. Also, REALLY PAINFUL. I have no idea what the hell happened last night and don’t remember a goddamn thing. All I know is someone shot me, so after I get the elves to help patch me up, I’ll track whoever did it down and violate them with their own gun.
3 tags
Well Shit
So I took the heart to Henrich and got some absolutely DELIGHTFUL news. The heart is a human heart that had apparently been exposed to some insanely powerful magic in addition to some science crap I didn’t listen to. Apparently, the reason the Rich Bastard and my magical sparring partner from earlier wanted it can be traced to the powerful magic it had been exposed to. Essentially, exposure...
5 tags
Of Course Bad Shit Happens
I’m a goddamn psychic, I swear to Christ. Remember yesterday how I said that shit would probably go wrong today? It did. So yesterday night, I’m running around rooftops and trying to deliver a heart to some rich guy, and then… explosions. Of course. Explosions everywhere. I’m dodging explosions left and right while looking for an escape, when I see a conveniently safe...
4 tags
The Transplant
Finally, work! Took long enough, I say. Anyways, today I’m supposed to transport some organs across the city to some rich guy’s house. The fact this is supposed to be a simple job means that it’s reasonable to expect some sort of horrible thing’ll happen to me, huh?
18 tags
Mr. Cat's Biggest Job Yet!
Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow M...
March 2012
23 posts
13 tags
Reviews of Prime Figures
Ok, here’s the reviews as promised. I decided tonight to do a review of two of the first wave of Transformers Prime Robots in Disguise Deluxe figures, Wheeljack and Bumblebee. So now that that’s settled, let’s get started with Bumblebee.
I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints about this guy, and I gotta say that while he’s not TOO bad, good lord is he not great. Out...
5 tags
Apology
Ok, I wanna apologize here. I forgot to do the review. Not for even a good reason. I just plain forgot, and that sucks. I’ll do the review and it’ll be up sometime before Friday night. And to add to my apology, it’ll be two reviews.
